On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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