He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
