I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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