Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
