Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
