I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
