I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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