i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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