fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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