i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
