Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
