So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am mentally ready for anal.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
