i think my tv is drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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