Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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