I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
