Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
