I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
