I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize