Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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