It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
