I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
