if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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