I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
