we have pet lesbian snakes
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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