I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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