I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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