I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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