i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
