I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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