If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
