So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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