if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
