I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
