You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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