he looks like a really good dad on facebook
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
