Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
