the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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