You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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