I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
