I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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