im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
