Well douche your snatch and let's go!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
