she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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