I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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