WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
