rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
