TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
