All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
