I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
3pm strippers are depressing
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
