Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
