and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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