Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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