the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
