I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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