I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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