She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
