im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
