I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
